10 Things to Remind Yourself When Your Teen Hurts Your Feelings

When your teen hurts your feelings

A little background on what happened in my house this morning before delving deeper into what we can do when our teenager hurts our feelings.

After school today, as we are getting out for Thanksgiving break, we are heading over to Universal Studios for a couple of days for some fun.  The boys have always really enjoyed going and we usually go around this time for my younger son’s birthday.  While I was making my son’s lunch and cooking him breakfast (yes I do this for him everyday and this can be another pondering) we had a discussion regarding his shoes and clothes for the weekend.  Long story short, not only did he not pack a bag last night as I asked him to, he informed me that he needs to do laundry after school today.  This came right after the part about him needing to go shoe shopping after school because his only shoes are his good Nikes and he doesn’t need to trot around a theme park in potential rain for three days in them so he needs another pair.  Well…plan is to leave for Orlando immediately after school.  My husband is flying into Orlando much earlier in the day so our goal is to get there to meet him as early as we can.  This lack of preparation on my son’s part threw a wrench in things for me.

In a five minute span I learned that we won’t be ready to go as planned.  Not only will he need to do laundry, but we also have to go buy shoes.  I didn’t lose it, but I definitely let him know that I was pretty irritated.  As any of you with teenagers know, this isn’t a first conversation about laundry or shoes.  It is almost a daily conversation.  Advice on parenting teens that I’ve read explains not to sweat the small stuff (I try to always live by this) and to hold them to responsibilities and chores, not to overwhelm them, and definitely not to “nag”.  I’ve explained many times that I would love to not nag.  If they would simply do the thing I ask then I wouldn’t keep asking.  I try to choose my battles, let  A LOT go, and would say they are definitely not overwhelmed with chores or tasks.  I ask for very little, as I know their 5:30 am wake up and long busy days are already overwhelming for their growing minds and bodies.  

This particular kid has a big school load, advanced diploma program in high school with all upper level classes as a freshman and is a fiercely dedicated athlete.  He works very hard to maintain all high A’s  and gets upset with himself if he gets a score even in the lower to mid 90s on anything.  We tell him it is fine but he pushes himself.   He also has played football up until the end of their season last week.  At end of season he was playing both JV and Varsity, working out everyday, practice until around 6pm every night, game nights home extra late sometimes up doing homework much later than he should be, sometimes having to be at school for football at 5:30 am.  So… I have let him slack on a lot at home.  I make him breakfast and make his lunch.  I do harass him about his room and clothes being everywhere only because if I take the time to fold his laundry I don’t understand why it sits on the couch for a week after I’ve asked him to take it to his room or why it ends up wadded up all over his floor rather than being put away so he can find what he needs.  Inevitably he comes to me everyday looking for something from underwear or socks to a shirt he needs.  Why is it, no matter how many pairs of socks we buy he is always out of socks?   Of course my response is always “if you had done what I asked and just put it away you would know where it is”…to which he gets irritated with me and it is always my fault.  (Today he didn’t have any socks.  He said he looked in his basket, on his floor, in his clean clothes, in his drawer…I know you can relate.  I went in after he was gone and found two pairs within 30 seconds.)

Today when I was expressing my frustration with the fact that he wouldn’t go shoe shopping with me the last two weekends when I tried to take him and that he still needed to do laundry today when we won’t have time for that, he got very exasperated with me.  I heard him say “I wish we weren’t going to Universal.  I don’t even want to go.”  Which of course upset me to hear him say and I had to question this.  Why?  I thought you wanted to go.  To which he responded, “I did, but I don’t now.”  Why?  “I don’t want to spend three days with you.  I don’t want to spend three days with you and Max (his brother).”  Wow.  That’s kind of mean.  Why not?  “Because I can’t talk to either one of you about anything.” 

When my main goal with my kids is to ensure they know they can in fact talk with me about anything at all at any time this was crushing to me.  It was like a slap in the face or worse.  In these moments a million thoughts go through my mind all at once.  In the moment, I felt hurt and wanted to argue this with him.  In the same moment, I tried to immediately remind myself that this is his frustration and he must be expressing this for a deeper reason.  But also, WAIT.  This isn’t fair.  I asked yesterday to make sure he had his stuff ready.  I have a right to expect him to handle having clothes ready and at the very least to have agreed to shoe shop with me when I tried last week if he did in fact have no shoes to bring.  

He told me that he didn’t think he could handle spending three days with me.  This was very hurtful and he had to have known this would be hurtful to me.  I walked away.  I continued what I was doing and didn’t say anything else after telling him that I felt like that was a pretty mean thing to say and that of course he can always talk to me.  Tears started to well up that I wouldn’t let him see.  My mind wandered to what am I doing wrong.  Does he really feel that way?  

(To clarify, because you may be wondering how I let my kid have “no shoes”. He has shoes in his locker at school that he wears for working out that stink so bad he can’t take them off in our house. He has new Hey Dudes that he won’t wear because his toes are squeezed (even though when I ordered them and asked him to try on he said they fit and he will wear but a week later he said he can’t wear them). He got a new pair of crocs last week for comfortable shoes for his long bus ride for a playoff game but says his dad won’t want him wearing them at Universal (and he’s probably right). He has flip flops (we live in Florida so when he’s not in cleats or dressed “nice” and wearing his Jordans he’s in flip flops (which his dad will also give a hard time about wearing at Universal as he’s a fan of closed toe shoes when tromping around the theme park).

ThingS to Remind Yourself When Your Teen Hurts Your Feelings

2.  When your teen starts a conversation with you be PRESENT.  Completely present.  Stop trying to do three other things and half listen.  Stop and look at him and be there.  Let him talk.  Just listen.  I think this is so important.  I am just learning how necessary this is.  They stop wanting to have the conversation when you do and for some reason will only truly communicate well when they bring it to you.  They don’t like answering questions so tread lightly and try to listen more than asking.  So when he hurts your feelings try to check in with yourself on this.  Have I been truly present for him?  Might his emotional response stem from feeling like he hasn’t been heard lately?

3.  They have confusing thoughts and feelings all engulfing them at once with a flood of strange hormones driving it all.  While they are trying to make sense of their world that encompasses so many new things all of a sudden it is constantly frustrating and they often they have no idea why they feel how they do.  This causes them to react in ways they may not even want to and likely don’t mean to.  When feelings get hurt it is likely coming from an emotional place due to hormones and unidentifiable feelings rather than you actually doing something to truly justify it.  Remember though, that their feelings are always valid and justified even just for the fact that they are having them.  No deep rooted reason required.  No judgement here.  

4.  When this happens and you find yourself unfairly in the way try to remember that something hurtful said most likely wasn’t meant at all, much less meant to hurt your feelings.  Even if in the moment it kind of was, it was a teenager overwhelmed with emotion lashing out in a way that he didn’t have time (or life experience) to act in a more thoughtful way.  We can work on being more mindful and teach how to react better and act more mindfully later.  

5.  I think  it is perfectly ok to let your teen know that something said was hurtful or perceived as being uncalled for or mean, and most definitely should be made aware that if something said was beyond a mean emotional response and was downright disrespectful that it is unacceptable.   While it is ok to point out the impact of their words or actions, I would say it is best to give pause.  Walk away before something hurtful is said back.  Don’t let him see your emotional response beyond that.  You need time to process and reflect.  The goal is to foster and grow your relationship with your teenager rather than allow damage to be done by going back and forth.  The last thing wanted is a day started with an argument that sets a bad tone for everyone’s day.  We are better emotionally equipped as adults to take the hurtful thing in, understanding that they likely didn’t mean it anyway, and go about our day than they are equipped to begin their day with what grows into a heated, and even more emotional argument or battle, and then have to go to high school all day.  While it may not seem fair, this is part of the parent role.

6.  Remember that you are the adult.  Don’t make them feel guilty.  As I always tell my kids, be the bigger person.  When someone hurts you (in their case, makes fun of them or says something mean) don’t respond with doing the same because that just makes you in the wrong also and can cause damage that otherwise wouldn’t have happened if you just moved on, reflected on why that person may have acted out (a bad day, something going on at home, etc) and started fresh with the next interaction without too much judgement.  Similarly, we are the adult and understand there are so many reasons why he may have acted out in that moment, and while it may not be appropriate or acceptable to be hurtful, the teaching moment in how better to handle himself should come at another time when emotions are calm and his mind his more open.  We may want to impulsively react and say something that will cause them to feel guilty, over explain how their comment or action hurt us and let them see our tears and frustration.  I think this is a mistake.  We may tend to think if they realize how hurtful they were being they will learn from this.  While I do think it important for them to know that what they said was hurtful or out of line, dwelling on this won’t do any good for either person.  

I know my son well enough to know that he will likely feel bad for saying something that was hurtful without me saying a word about it.  He is a thoughtful person.  My goal is never to make him feel guilty and dwell on it.  He will learn from this on his own and as I said, I believe the better teaching moment will come later after more reflection when I may be able to ask something like, “do you really feel that way?  That you can’t talk to me? ”  We can talk about it and give him a chance to explain how he was feeling, or if he really does feel that way then I can learn from him how I make him feel that way and explain it is the opposite of how I want to be.  We can figure out together how I can do better so that he feels he can talk to me.  (or if he just doesn’t want me to nag about his laundry maybe he can learn that if he follows through with his responsibilities I won’t give him that hard time and we won’t have these moments in the first place).

7.  Don’t take it personally.  I said this to myself this morning over and over in my head.  I know my son loves me.  He talks to me all of the time.  Sometimes when he is telling a story to multiple people he will look directly at me through most of it and add in an aside that only I know about.  He shares much less with me than when he was younger, but out of the blue he will tell me about moments in his day and things going on with other kids, etc.  We have deep conversations about life, the world, politics, the future, and so much more.  While I may get going and talk too much at times, I know that I am a good listener and tell him always that he can come to me with anything.  I don’t overreact.  I am calm.  I get more upset over them not doing the little things I ask because I feel they should learn the responsibility that comes with their push for more independence.  I also just really feel it is disrespectful to ignore me.  I do not ask for much.  My point is, even though him saying (in this case) that he didn’t want to be around me because he can’t talk to me, I know that he did not mean that based on the relationship that we have.  I can interpret that in reflection to mean he was frustrated that in that conversation I responded by giving him a hard time to most of what he said (no socks, no shoes, no clothes) which he took as he can’t talk to me (about anything! haha) without me reacting badly, which we both know is not true when it comes to important stuff.

8.  Remember that what is important to them is not the same as what is important to you.  When we talk about the big stuff and the small stuff and what to let be an issue and what to move past these things are not the same for a teenager.  I may “overreact” about him not taking care of his clothes because the larger picture here to me is that he is shying from responsibility, in not taking care of one of the few things I ask him to, and essentially ignoring me.  I do not see the the lack of socks or not being able to find a shirt as a “big” deal.  We are upset about two very different things and he is not able to distinguish that.  To a kid getting ready for his day at high school, not having what he wants to wear is a BIG deal.  Not having socks and having to wear something that he thinks looks “stupid” instead (in this case no show socks with high top Nike’s instead of taller socks ;)) was really frustrating to him.  Not having a clean shirt that he likes and wearing the same shorts he’s worn everyday this week is a big deal to him.  The big deal to me is that he slacked on doing his laundry (and most likely, as in the case with the socks I later found, has something clean and nice to wear it just isn’t the specific thing he wanted to wear or he can’t find it in his mess).  In this moment he was likely frustrated with himself, frustrated knowing that had he just done what I asked earlier he wouldn’t have this problem, frustrated with me because in this moment he likely “feels” (not actually “believes”) that I should just do his laundry and have it all ready for him and should have magically picked out and bought him new shoes that he likes and that fit, and should have an infinite supply of clean socks.  However, he knows that none of that is possible because I am not magic and he must be involved in choosing his own shoes or he won’t wear them anyway.

9.  We are not magic.  Remember that our kids once thought we were.  As with all things as they make this huge transition from child to young adult, the reality is different than it ever was before.  They are grappling with losing the magic in life.  It is sad.  My son has brought this up already.  The things that used to be so exciting and fun, the special events they looked so forward to, the gifts they got so anxious to receive, the parties that were so fun they never wanted them to end, are all so much less any of that now.  Reality begins to not meet expectations as our world expands in these years.  Life around a child is a small world of close family and friends, time moves so slowly as they anticipate things, and they believe in the magic of it all.  My son has lost all of that.  He is finding that nothing is magical anymore, time moves more and more quickly all the time, his world is far more reaching than those surrounding him who love him.  He is discovering (and stressed by) all of the negative in the world as he learns more each day.  When he is excited about a party or event he is finding that the reality of it is usually a let down.  Mom isn’t magic anymore.  I let him down sometimes.  I used to be a superhero.  I could see from the back of my head.  I knew things that I couldn’t possibly know.  I can understand how in these early teen transition years this also adds to the emotion and frustration as they are teetering on the line between child and becoming an adult, being cared for in all ways and having to take on some responsibility for themselves.  Realizing that it doesn’t all just magically happen and that the reality of how it all gets done is far less fun.  We need to remember that we aren’t magic.  We can not do it all for them anymore.  It is not our fault.  It is not their fault that they may struggle with this reality either.  

10.  We must learn together.  This is all new ground for all of us.  We may have been a parent for the last 14 years and may want to believe that we have it figured out at this point.  We don’t .  It changes every day.  Literally, it seems like every single day.  Just as their world is changing for them each day, we must each, parent and child, learn to adapt how we deal with each other and evolve our relationship over time.  We need to all be mindful of each other, from the tiny things in our day to the big things we are going through, and how it all affects us and our words and actions with each other.  We need to learn and teach patience, being mindful, thoughtfulness, and respect.  We need to remember that each of us wants and deserves all of these things.  Do not expect to get any of it if you do not first lead by example and give it.  I remind myself often that our tone and the way we express our thoughts and feelings through our words and actions are mirrored by our children.  We may have a tendency to have expectations of others that we do not lead with ourselves.  We need to learn together in order to foster and grow our relationships with our kids that will continue through their adult years.

 Go easy.  Give yourself and your kid grace.  Just as when they were infants and toddlers and we had to learn how to do all of the things and how to teach all of the things….this is no different.  We tend to expect them to just figure it out, just know, just do, just be better.  They expect all of this from us also, after all, we have done all of it for their entire lives.  They just didn’t know that we didn’t exactly know what we were doing.  We were learning as we went.  There was no parenting manual inscribed into my being the moment I became a mother.  Most days I question what the hell am I even doing.  Some days I occasionally feel like I actually get it right.  I can tell you though, there is nothing more challenging than a cognizant, smart teenager questioning your very own parenting, saying something that makes you feel like they think you’ve gotten it wrong.  Some little comment about something in the past or how when they have kids they will be different…What do they know?!  They’ve never done this. Funny how easy they think it is.  I guess maybe in the end that means that we really have done some things right if they think it seems so easy.  At the end of the day I turn it back on him when he questions my parenting and ask how he thinks he is turning out.  He can’t really argue too much with that.  He is a really good kid.  I know that I just got lucky.  I hope that one day he too will feel like he got lucky with me.