The house was empty and quiet this morning before 7:30 am. I know many of you parents can relate to the range of thoughts and emotions that hit us on this first day back to school. It marks the end of the summer vacation and the beginning of what will be another whirlwind year of constant busy days. Each year is a little different as our kids progress through school. They need different things from us to help with their success. What our kids teach us can help can help us get their new school year and everyday off to a great start. There are many ways we, as parents, can help our kids have a positive first day of school. We need to learn from them as they grow and change each year along the way.
This year is a little different for my house as we have one kid entering middle school and the other beginning high school. My eleven year old was the first one up while it was still dark out. Middle school bus comes at 6:30! He was happy to go. Then came the text from the bus ride…”mom, my hair is so bad”. Then another, “like really really bad”. I tried to to be positive and tell him it is fine and to go with confidence. It is a horrible feeling to imagine your kid feeling self conscious and bad about himself heading into a big day. First day as a 6th grader!
Next up…First day of high school….heavy sigh….a big milestone, but just another day at the same time.
For me, it seems like yesterday that I was getting him ready for his first big day of kindergarten. We took pictures in front of our then small plant out front. We’ve taken them there every year. In the beginning I was thinking that it would show the boys’ growth over time. Little did I realize that the bird of paradise would grow much more quickly than they did. It has been towering over them the last few years. This year the big first day smiles changed to a serious face as he refused to allow a photo to be taken. I had to tell him he wasn’t getting a ride to the bus stop unless I got a photo.
Back to school insights: What our Kids Teach Us
They want to make more of their own choices, from what time they set their alarm, what they will wear and how they will do their hair to what photos are taken of them.
This year, both of mine decided what time they needed to get up and set their own alarms. They actually set them earlier than I would have advised to make sure they had enough time this morning. Of course, the 6th grader’s alarm went off at 5:45, but it wasn’t loud enough and he ran out of time. Lesson number one for him today was to change the alarm alert to a louder one that he won’t sleep through for 15 minutes. High schooler got up almost an hour earlier than he needed to so he will adjust his alarm to get a little more needed sleep.
They value their own time more than what they look like, *kind of.
Every year most of us do the big back to school shopping. I offered many times. I scheduled a “family day” two different times trying to get them out to do something fun and get some back to school shopping in. They decided that they really didn’t need to go shopping. Maybe this is just a boy thing, or isolated to my kids, but they would rather spend their last days soaking up summertime with friends and doing their own activities than “waste” time doing what they hate most: shopping.
The question was posed, wouldn’t you like to have some new clothes to show up in rather than the same ones you were wearing when school ended? What shoes are you going to wear? Those old dirty ones? You were so particular last year you walked funny so you didn’t crease your shoes….Now you will wear those old creased ones for the very first day? I was almost shocked.
I have to admit though, I was a little bit happy at the same time. No, not because I also didn’t want to spend my days dragging them around stores trying to force them to try stuff on. I was a little bit happy because for once they were not as concerned with what they look like, keeping up with the other kids, the material things….
That being said, some new Nikes and Hey Dudes were ordered online and will be worn when they come. My 11 year old and I spent about 2o minutes online ordering some new shorts and t-shirts rather than taking a whole day. Allowing them some freedom over their own time allows for a positive feeling rather than what can turn into a negative one felt by all when forcing them to go along with a day we have planned.
Hair is important.
I have boys. Thank goodness I have boys. I can’t imagine how bad it would be with girls. I feel so very badly for you girl moms out there. This is where the *kind of from above comes in.
These boys wanted fresh cuts for school. They are very particular about their barber, his fade skills, scissor skills, and how well he listens to what they want.
My 14 year old likes his barber. He saved the day back in 4th grade when his hair was to his shoulders and mom tried to cut it short. Let’s just say it didn’t go well and we scrambled to find a barber who could see him first thing in the morning before he could even go to school. He does a good a job. Jack, my son, has figured out what he wants (for now) and his barber delivers.
Max, the 11 year old, hasn’t been happy with his barber of late and decided he wanted to try someone new. Above barber wasn’t available so we got the barber who was. Honestly, he did a good job. He just didn’t do what Max wanted. He’s got that longer in the front thing going on that most of them do these days. It was getting in his eyes and just needed a trim up front and a good fade in the back. Max asked him not to make it straight across his forehead.
He left in tears and said he did exactly what he told him not to do. This is the kid that as a 10 year old was spending more time doing his hair than I do. He’s tried tons of products from pomade and clay to salt spray and putting a hair dryer on it. He asked for a perm. I said no.
It isn’t just hair. The hair represents so much more. Just as we do, they need to feel good about themselves going out to face the world. Feeling good about yourself makes all the difference. Confidence is vital. Find a way to lift them up in the start of their day.
Lesson for mom here:
Find a good barber (or maybe next time try the salon for these guys who want longer hair). Don’t try a new one the day before school starts. Make sure you speak with the barber when your kid sits down in the chair to ensure your kid adequately conveys what exactly he’s thinking and wanting (as we know, kids’ communication sills are not always the best here).
He wouldn’t shop for new clothes or shoes and wore an older neighbor’s hand me down t-shirt today for his first day (so new for him and… good for him!), but man was his hair really important. I understand. It broke my heart a little for him.
Establishing a routine and being prepared the night before is always a good thing.
We used to have mornings when they were young that were miserable. The run around, last minute scramble for something clean or a matching pair of socks. There was often some yelling and usually frustration all around. We got better and this makes a huge difference in the day.
We homeschooled for two years after several of public school. Our routine was very slack. I won’t go into the homeschool adventure right now. I’ll save that for another post. When we went back to school last year it was a BIG first back to school day for us. Huge change. It was critical that we establish a routine. One may have thought that the two years without it would make this uber challenging. In fact, that experience gave us a good break and made establishing the routine going forward easier.
We learned how much more smoothly the mornings go when all is ready the night before. Laundry is done and outfits picked out for the next day. Socks are all matched and in a basket. Lunch is made and electronic devices charged up. (Last year there wash also a note on the inside of the front door they leave out of reminding them to brush their teeth and not forget those school Ipads but we’ve got that all worked out now).
Morning goes smoothly this way. We have a positive feeling to begin the day. Alarms are set and they get up on their own. Showers are first. Pre-chosen clothes are ready. All they have to do besides (brush their teeth and mess with their hair for ten minutes) is eat if they want to and grab their lunch and school stuff. No more rushing or yelling. I don’t believe we had one missed bus last year. Fingers crossed.
What does mom really learn?
Let go (a little bit).
I am learning to let go a little bit. It is hard for me. We always remember those little faces and smiles and how much they needed us. At times it was so challenging to be needed so much…for everything. As they grow and change and gain that independence the challenge becomes learning how to not be needed so much, how to trust that they will handle what they need to and allowing them the space to mess up sometimes when they can’t.
Slow down.
As those older and wiser always say, time flies and the days of them being little are gone in a blink. While I have always tried to absorb it all in and knew it was happening so fast, in the day to day busyness we can’t help but rush through and let our frustrations lead a lot. It is so important to slow down. We need to remind ourselves and our kiddos to take it all in and not rush it past us.
Let them gain some autonomy.
Back to the pictures. My son basically refuses to allow me to take pictures of him anymore. I sometimes catch him when he isn’t paying attention. Usually he catches me and I get a lot of profile shots or hands in the camera as he is walking away. I think he hates photos so much because he doesn’t like the way he looks in them. Perhaps he hates them because I have taken so many over the years. He used to always smile. This changed when he hit about 13.
While pictures of my kids and our family are so very important to me because they are how I document and remember these moments, I am trying to learn to live the moments completely present with them rather than putting the camera in their face all the time. The photos are important to me as I realize looking back how much I forget. It terrifies me that those little faces and hands are blurry in my memory as time goes on.
For them, I’m figuring out that the photo taking is kind of ‘I’m still a kid and my mom is in control thing’. They want more control. We must learn how to let them have it if we expect them to grow and make good choices. We also need to teach them to respect others’ wishes. They shouldn’t be taking pictures of their friends if they are asked not to. This is a little different. I am mom and I say I’ve earned the right and will always have the right to take pictures of my babies. However, that is just kind of reinforcing the whole mom is in control of my life thing that I’m trying to learn not to do as much.
It will always be hard to watch them leave.
No matter how old they get or how far away they are going it is always hard to watch them go. From those first days of pre-k and kindergarten sending them into the classroom to watching them walk away from the car and look back and wave when they got dropped off to watching them walk out the door to head to the bus stop now…it is hard.
We are happy for their excitement and eagerness to make connections with their peers as they learn and grow. We must be positive for them and send them out with a smile no matter what we feel inside.
This year begins four years of bittersweet for me I think. What once seemed like forever in my early mom mind now has dwindled down to four short years I have left with my son at home. I already dread the end of those years, not knowing exactly how badly that will hurt, but knowing it will impact me profoundly. It is my wish for him to grow and be independent. I know that it all begins now as he enters those halls and sets out on his path into early adulthood.
How do we get as much as we can with them and of them in this four busy years when they are fighting to find their own identity as a young person taking steps away from us?
I would love to hear your thoughts on this. I am open for advise and guidance.
Begin each day with a positive experience.
It has always been profoundly important for me to send my kids off with love and a smile. It is so important to me to know that I have done all that I can to send them away to begin their day in a positive state of mind. Of course, I can not always control this. They have their own thoughts, feelings and moods. Things go wrong.
When the day begins in a positive way our mental state is open and more likely to experience positive. We also carry ourselves in a positive way and emit positive energy. If I can do anything to help my kids overcome a negative start and send them off in a positive way I will always make the effort. The little things don’t matter as much. Worrying about something that didn’t go quite right or a mess or mistake serves no purpose. Being upset over something in the morning when we are all beginning our day can come at the expense of sending our kids off to have a bad day.
Always lift them up. Set them up for a smooth start. Say something positive and send them off into the world with love and a smile.
I would love to hear about how you begin each day in your house. Do you have a tradition for the start of each new school year? How has this changed over the years, or now that you have a kid in middle school or high school?
